


Man Down

by DrowningInTheRainbow



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Afterlife, M/M, Minor Violence, mentioned drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2111814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrowningInTheRainbow/pseuds/DrowningInTheRainbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reid's thoughts before and after the death of Tobias Hankel</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Life

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I wrote this originally as just a thought!fic to deal with my feels for this pairing but then after reading a fic (Criminal Minds Fix-It by Seasnake) and rewatching the episodes that featured Tobias I added the section that deals with the Afterlife (which I put in a separate chapter if anyone is uncomfortable with it). I would like to note that I am not religious and that is why I kind of overdid the explanation of the afterlife. I may have gotten a bit carried away.
> 
> Anyways as for the actual notes: the story is non-chronological (3-2-1-4-end), the afterlife portion is written in the Third Person, I rewrote Tobias' death slightly, and the featured lyrics are from Rihanna's Man Down (which inspired me to write this).
> 
> Sorry for the lengthy note; on with the story!

_I didn't mean to end his life_

_I know it wasn't right_

_I can't even sleep at night_

_Can't get it off my mind_

 

_Cause I didn't mean to hurt him_

_Coulda been somebody's son_

_And I took his heart when_

_I pulled out that gun_

 

I turn my head and I see him again. He sits in the chair across from me with a smile upon his perfect face. He looks luminous; he is free; he is in lightness now. Yet here I sit, drowning in the darkness around me once more. The doctor enters the room and I hear him speak but no words make it to my brain. I cannot process anything knowing I have felled another human being, this one I had come to know and wanted to help; I wanted to help him so badly. I no longer see Tobias in the room.

“Tobias...” I say. The doctor looks at me strangely, but I don't pay him much attention. Raphael begins to wrap me in his destructive embrace. “Tobias, come back to me.”

 ---

“Tobias! Tobias, come back!” I scream in fear and regret. Tears run down my face, running down dry streaks from before. Now I cry because I know Tobias is dying, and I know I am the cause.

I clutch again to his chest. I feel his chest convulse in pain, he is struggling to breathe. His eyes are wide in fear, but I cannot tell if they are truly his. An arm wraps around me and pulls me close. I hear his dying words, the words I will hold onto forever, “Thank you, Dr. Reid.” He slips the dilaudid into my shaking hands and I feel life flee from his dying body. In panic I shuffle the drug into my pocket discreetly while clutching his chest to mine.

I attempt to fight off the hands that later work to pull me from him. In desperation I shout once more, “Tobias!” I see their strange looks but they don't matter now that he is gone. Everything begins to go black and I know I will not see Tobias Hankel in the flesh ever again.

\---

A whole day passed and I wouldn't have known if he hadn't told me. While I haven't lost hope that my team – my family – will find me, I have more acceptance and calmness now. I have been able to judge who steps through the door, and I know now how to react to each personality.

“Tobias?” I call as I hear his unsure footsteps travel through the doorway. My current position doesn't allow me to see the door, but when either of the other personalities are in control their footsteps are much more clunky and careless.

A deep and resonating (though at the same time quiet and soft) voice calls back through the cabin, “Hello, Dr. Reid.”

Tobias enters the cabin with a paper bag with no label on it in his arms. As Tobias pulls out various items a small smile reaches his lips as my stomach rumbles.

Later on, after preparing something to eat, he loosens my arm straps (though I am ultimately still trapped to the chair) and allows me to eat. I keep an eye on him as I eat, but he makes no overt moves against me. In fact, he almost looks as though he's looking for approval. To appease him (though the words are true) I say, “This is great, Tobias. Thank you.”

His face brightens in happiness. “Thank you, Dr. Reid.” In the pit of my stomach there is a flutter. His eyes do not break contact with mine.

\---

I am startled by a hand placed on my shoulder and I foolishly shout, “Tobias?” and sit up, before it all rushes back to me.

As my vision returns to me, I see JJ standing over me with a confused look on her face. “Reid,” she asks, “are you okay?”

I clear my throat, a light blush coming to my face. I nervously itch my arm and whisper, “Y-yes, I'm alright. I-I was just startled is all.” I see she doesn't really believe me, but I don't say any more. I know no one will believe me for a long time.

“Listen, Reid. I'm so sorry,” JJ says, looking away from my eyes, “I should have followed you, I should have--”

I interrupt her, “Listen, JJ. I can't explain to you anything and I can't expect you to understand why I'm going to say this, but I'm glad he got me. I'm glad that Tobias found me and left you alone. I'm sorry for what happened to you and I'm sorry all the grief I caused you; ultimately I'm glad you're okay. But don't apologize for what happened because there's nothing you could have done. What's happened has happened and I wouldn't change the course of events.”

We're both quiet for some time. JJ looks confused, but after some time she pats my arm and stands. “I think I understand, Reid.” I smile and she exits the room.


	2. Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the afterlife portion (though it begins where the previous chapter left off). Please enjoy!

I sigh as I am alone once again. I close my eyes for only a moment, but suddenly I feel the end of the bed press under another's weight. My eyes snap open, but I most certainly must be hallucinating because there sits Tobias Hankel, a large smile upon his face. “It's good to see you again,” his melodious voice resonates within me, “Dr. Spencer Reid.”

There are no words at the forefront of my mind, but Tobias continues speaking, now standing, “I know you may think this a hallucination or a false vision but I still would like to say what I can and I would like you to listen to me, Spencer.” I nod, unsure what else to do. “Good. I want you to know first of all, that the After is so gratifying, and I hope you never fear it. You've done so much good and I will never understand how you could fear it more than I ever did, given where I am today.” Tobias smiles at me and kneels next to the head of the bed. “I know that I put you and many others through a lot of hell, but that doesn't matter There. It's about the life you live, not the things you do. And you're a good person, Spencer. Never forget that.” He glances to the doorway for a moment before turning back to look into my eyes, saying, “I don't have much time, but I know we'll see each other again.” Tobias leans forward and places a soft kiss to my lips, his ghosting over my own. He stands straight and smiles to me, and in a flash he's gone again.

Immediately after he's gone, the door opens and JJ with the rest of the team come into my room. “Surprise!”

\---

Nearly ten years later, a not-much-older-looking Spencer Reid walks through a not-so-majestic gate and can't quite describe what he sees. He has matured much from the days when he shot Tobias Hankel, and while he wouldn't call his life fulfilling, it was a life nonetheless. While he stayed in the BAU, saving many and killing few, Spencer always felt as if there was something missing. The dilaudid helped ease Spencer back into a fallacy of normality, but Spencer knew there would always be a missing piece to his life – a piece which no living soul could fill.

As the years went by, Spencer's life underwent many changes. Team members came and went, even the main office moved once of twice, causing Spencer himself to move. He tried to love other people but the relationships never went far and never lasted long, not that Spencer minded. For the one thing Spencer never forgot, never put out of his mind, was the feel of Tobias' lips on his, the smile upon his face, the look that was puree Tobias.

In his dreams at night, Spencer would hold Tobias in his arms and comfort him. He would kiss Tobias on the lips and they would love each other like they never could before. But when he would waken with Tobias' name on his lips, the tears would fall again.

He never saw Tobias again after the day in the hospital. There were hallucinations and memories, of course, but Spencer could always tell the difference between those and reality.

But of course, everything changed, those last few hours of his life.

Morgan was leading the team now, with JJ, Reid, and two younger members called Parker and Eliza. Garcia still covered tech and cases while JJ doubled with media coverage. The case that would lead to Reid's demise was supposed to be a simple one: six murders in six weeks, each on the following day (i.e. Monday the first week, Tuesday the next, etc.) all with slit throats and the heart removed. There were obvious suspects, less obvious suspects, a geographic profile, and plenty of other things that set the ball in motion. The BAU was called in on Wednesday with four days until the seventh and most likely final murder.

Reid and the whole team were at a loss however, when they got there. Not only was the killer impossible to track, there was no connection between the victims, locations, murder types. It was as if it was a new killer every time someone died. And that led to the discovery of the local church and it's true origins. It was not a church at all, but rather a devious cult of murderers.

They weren't as brash as to kidnap one of the BAU members themselves, but instead targeted one to be the final kill. And come Sunday, it was all set into motion.

Spencer would like to believe he fought well, but ultimately the cult member did in fact kill him.

The other members had been out to close in on the cult while Spencer stayed behind. They of course didn't realize the mistake until the member had run to the Sanctuary to announce his win to the others. They quickly returned to the station but it was too late: Spencer was dead at the table, a slash in his throat and a hole in his chest.

While Spencer's spirit lingered, he watched as the team returned home to bury him. There wasn't much of a service as Spencer didn't want much of one, but few people showed up anyways. Gideon had passed away and Emily was in Ukraine; Hotch, Elle, Rossi, and a few others showed up, but the service was nonetheless small. While Spencer stayed in the field where his ashes were buried, he swore he saw Tobias, but the man turned his back and disappeared.

Later, while Spencer checked up on his father and ever-fighting mother, Spencer saw Tobias again. This time, he was sure it was him. “Tobias!” he called out. But then everything went dark.

For it was time to go.

Spencer shook his head and returned to the present. Or the after. Whatever he might call this. Looking around him, he sees semi-familiar faces. Some are cloaked in a blurry shroud, others clear as day. Sitting at a chess table he sees with clarity Gideon, playing against a blurry figure. As he approaches, the blurry figure fades away, appearing to wave to Gideon, who waves back. “Gideon,” Spencer says and the old man smiles at him, “I can't believe it's you!” he says before hugging him.

Gideon hugs him back before pulling the young man away. “Was it the job?” he asks immediately. Spencer nods. “I don't need to know the details, just know that you're safe now. There is no evil here.”

Spencer smiles, but looks around nervously. “Where is here, exactly?”

Gideon looks around in awe, and clearly isn't seeing the same thing as Spencer. “That's what's funny. It's different for everyone, unless you want to share it with someone. The people you know you can see clearly, the people who know someone you do are a little blurry. There are people you've never met if you dig deep enough. But to me this is Heaven, and that's all I need to know. The person here with me before, though I suppose you couldn't really see her, was my wife. I'm happy here.”

Gideon turned away even though Spencer had so many questions. But then someone tapped him on the shoulder: it was Haley, Hotch's ex-wife. “Spencer, is that you?” she asked softly. Tears formed in both of their eyes when he nodded and they hugged. Spencer was about to inform her of everything that had happened when she held up a hand. “It's okay, sweetie. There's a place here so you can know everything you need to. I've been watching to know Aaron and Jack are okay, and that they're happy.” She smiled and wiped away both of their tears, laughing softly. “You didn't deserve this, baby boy. But I suppose none of us really do.” She sighed softly. Suddenly, she turned and tugged on his hand. “But since you're here, there's someone that's been _dying_ – and yes, I can use that phrase – to see you.”

As they traversed the blurs and shadows along the way – occasionally passing _through_ people to get where they wanted to go – Spencer secretly hoped she was leading him to the one he too had been _dying_ to see. And as they entered a grand building – which Spencer noted was cheekily labeled 'The Place to Wait' – Spencer's hopes came true as his eyes landed upon a nervous Tobias Hankel. Haley let go of his hand and gave him a little push before leaving the building, whispering, “You're in good hands, now.”

“T- Tobias?” Spencer nervously called. The taller man walked quickly to him, before wrapping his larger arms around Spencer's waist.

Tobias kissed his neck and whispered to him, “I have waited so long for you.” He pulled back and looked longingly into Spencer's eyes.

Spencer softly placed his mouth to the older (younger?) man's, a hair of space between them. Tobias sealed their lips together in a searing kiss. “Tobias,” Spencer moaned when their lips separated, “I've missed you.”

Tobias chuckled softly, “Me too, though to be fair, it's hard to say 'miss' when we didn't have much to begin with.” Spencer's eyes clouded a bit at that, almost forming tears, when Tobias continued, “But now that you're here, we have all the time in the world. And don't doubt this, Spencer, I really do love you. 'God gave you to me for a reason.'” Tobias leans down and kisses Spencer softly once more.

“I- I think I love you too.”

 


End file.
